A Very Serious Fic
by Wildcard
Summary: Note the sarcasm. Yami no Malik's a virgin, Yami no Bakura's amused, and evil leprechauns have their own handbook. Written for Nek0-chan's birthday.


**Author's Note:** In honor ofNek0-chan's birthday, I present you with a Virgin!Yami no Malik fic. I wanted to make it dangershipping, but couldn't quite stomach the idea of Seto being allowed to mock YnMalik. Instead, have some psychoshipping served with a side of insanity and a dash of farce. Sprinkled with a little changeshipping as well. Inspired by cairnsy's Virgin!Ryuuji fic.

**A Very Serious Fic in which Yami no Malik is a Virgin.**

"You can't be a virgin! You're too good at this!" Yami no Bakura narrowed his eyes as he spoke and pulled away, causing Yami no Malik to glare at him.

"Let's take a look at my life so far, shall we?" He asked sarcastically, beginning to speak without waiting for an answer from the other. "Come into existence at the age of ten, go dormant for several years, reappear and try to destroy everything, get banished to the Shadow Realm, reappear and try to destroy everything, get banished to the Shadow Realm, reappear and try to destroy everything, get banished to the Shadow Realm, reappear and try to destroy everything, get banished to the Shadow Realm, reappear and try to destroy everything, get banished to the Shadow Realm, reappear and get handcuffed to you before I can even make a dramatic speech about how I will bring about the end of everything."

Pausing for breath, the Egyptian narrowed his own eyes at Yami no Bakura and demanded, "Now where, in that list of activities, do you see a single space where I could conceivably had sex?"

"During the Battle Ship finals, you had sent at least two people to the Shadow Realm whom you could have easily taken advantage of." The other pointed out stubbornly.

"I was busy preparing for the upcoming duels, searching for Riishid and stopping my weaker half from trying to reclaim his body."

"You had all those mind slaves before..." He said, beginning to seriously consider the possibility that the other might be telling the truth.

"My weaker half had them. I only emerged on the Battle Ship itself, remember?"

Ignoring that, Yami no Bakura instead argued, "But you're evil. Everyone knows that evil villains are sexually debauched. It's traditional. It's even in the E.V.I.L handbook!"

Blinking, attention momentarily distracted, the Egyptian asked, "The what handbook?"

Rummaging under his pillow, Yami no Bakura pulled out a thick hardcover book and passed it over to the other. "Check page 125, section 2, paragraph 3 underneath the sub-heading 'Sexual requirements and rites of passage.'"

"You sleep with it under your pillow?!" The dark spirit asked incredulously, flipping to the correct page as he did so. Flushing slightly, the thief answered, "Only so that if any intruders come along, I'll have a weapon to attack them with!"

Under his breath, Yami no Malik muttered, "Obviously, your collection of knives, daggers, compasses and other sharp stabbing objects aren't anywhere near as terrifying as a manual on how to be evil..." Finding the correct paragraph, he scowled, for sure enough, it stated clearly, "All evil villains must be sexually debauched in order to be able to frighten the heros/heroines/hero's partner with threats of non-consensual deviant behavior." Closing the book, Yami no Malik pointed out, "I've yet to hear you threaten the Pharaoh or any of his side-kicks with 'non-consensual deviant behavior'..."

Smirking, the white-haired one answered, "That's because I have taste."

Skeptically, the other drawled, "And it has nothing to do with the fact that you've never actually had the Pharoah or anyone else in a position where you would be able to carry out such threats?" He might have continued along those lines, were it not for the fact that something else caught his attention as he closed the book. Staring at the title, he demanded, "E.V.I.L stands for Extremely Villainous Intelligent Leprechauns?!"

As if unaware of anything being wrong, Yami no Bakura answered,"Yes."

Staring at the other, disbelief evident on his face, the dark blonde pointed out, "You're not a leprechaun. And how villainous can a leprechaun be anyway?!"

Dodging the first question for the moment at least, the thief replied, "Pretty villainous. Where do you think they get all their gold? They steal it." Taking a breath, he confessed as if daring the other to laugh, "And I signed up over the Internet. They haven't found out that I'm not a leprechaun yet."

Disbelief still evident in his tone, Yami no Malik asked, "But why would you even want to follow guidelines that were laid out for leprechauns?!"

"Simple. I want gold."

"Oh. Fair enough." A short pause, then as if he was unable to let go of the topic (mostly because he had made the mistake of picturing Yami no Bakura in a green clover suit, dancing near a rainbow), Yami no Malik repeated, "You're still not a leprechaun though."

"But you're still a virgin. Which isn't debauched of you at all."

Unable to deny the truth of that, Yami no Malik instead asked rhetorically, "I'm willing to have sex with you just because we're handcuffed together. Isn't that debauched enough?"

"No, not really. There should be more blood. And fire. And pain. Lots of pain. And-" Though he could have quite happily continued listing off what would be needed for debauched sex, it would be at that point that Yami no Malik decided to shut him up with a kiss. A debauched one at that.

Breaking the kiss, Yami no Bakura now sounded a little frantic as he said, "You can't be a virgin though - you'd be the only virgin around."

The other boy blinked. That aspect of things hadn't occurred to him. Incredulously, he asked, "What? ...that's impossible. What about the Pharaoh's host?"

"Decided he wanted to be more than just a host to the Pharoah, i after /i getting tips from Ryuuji as how to seduce people." Yami no Bakura answered easily.

"Your host?"

"Made the mistake of getting drunk with your host and Ryuuji."

"...well, that rules out my host. Hm. Kaiba?"

"Ryuuji again."

"The mutt?"

"Lost a bet to Ryuuji."

"The one with the strange hairstyle?"

"Was more than just rivals with Ryuuji."

"...has he slept with everyone except me?!" Yami no Malik was not feeling slighted that he had apparently been overlooked in Ryuuji's scheme of seduction. He wasn't. Not at all. And most definitely wasn't going to use the Rod to correct that error. What self-respecting psycho would stoop to something like that?

...besides Yami no Malik of course. Though at the moment, he was more focused on getting an answer to his question.

Shrugging, Yami no Bakura apparently attempted to list off the people in Domino on his fingers, and check them against a mental checklist of Ryuuji's victims. Smirking slightly, he stated, "It would appear so."

Narrowing his eyes as something else struck him, Yami no Malik asked suspiciously, "Wouldn't that include you...." A smirk was the only answer he got, as Yami no Bakura apparently didn't think that question worth giving a verbal answer to, instead patting Yami no Malik on the shoulder in a commiserating manner and commenting mock-sympathetically, "Don't worry, I'm sure that Ryuuji will be attracted to you eventually. Maybe if you do something about that hair..." With that, he poked one of the golden spikes of hair, smirk widening as he did so.

"...That's it. I'm leaving." Glowering, Yami no Malik swung himself off the bed, forgetting that he and Yami no Bakura were still handcuffed together. Which resulted in a startled Spirit of the Ring falling on top of him, recovering quickly and smirking at how Yami no Malik was glaring up at him.

"**Move**, you useless leftover from another time." Yami no Malik growled, trying to push the other boy off him but finding his arms to be tangled in the blankets that had followed the thief down off the bed. Still smirking, Yami no Bakura propped himself up on Yami no Malik's chest, and answered, "No, I don't think I will. It's quite nice up here. Good view." His eyes trailed appreciatively over the other's form, until Yami no Malik gave a frustrated "ARGH!" and succeeded in pushing the other boy off him, and to the side. Getting to his feet, Yami no Malik stalked towards the door, ignoring the pained yelps from the boy that he was dragging along behind him. Grabbing onto the doorway and refusing to allow himself to be dragged further, Yami no Bakura panted out, "Wait... wait... where are you going?!

Coldly, the Egyptian replied, "Back to my apartment. If we're not going to fuck, and you're just going to insult me, why should I stay here?"

"But we'd still be handcuffed together. How will it be any different to be stuck together at your place?"

"I'll know where all my sharp things are to stab you with when you get annoying." Striding back, Yami no Malik pried Yami no Bakura's hands off the doorway, getting bitten for his trouble, then started to head for the stairs. This time, the white-haired one grabbed the bottom of the banister to bring them both to a sudden halt, objecting as he did so, "You can't go out into the street like that – you're naked and so am I. We'd probably get arrested for public indecency."

"Since when you do care about breaking the law?" Yami no Malik scoffed.

"Since it would result in getting thrown into a jail cell while completely naked and without my Ring."

"Hah! They will cower before the power of my Rod!"

Under his breath, Yami no Bakura muttered, "Insert cheesy Rod joke here."

Pretending not to hear that, Yami no Malik instead yanked at the chain connecting them, trying to force the thief to let go of the wooden support that he was clinging to. Yami no Bakura pulled back just as hard, and for a few moments, a strange Tug-of-War took place on the stairs between the two naked boys, until Yami no Bakura let go and they both crashed into a heap at the bottom of the stairs, the thief on top of Yami no Malik yet again.

At which point, Malik and Ryuuji emerged from the kitchen to see what all the noise was about. Staring at the two of them in surprise, Ryuuji offered helpfully, "You know, if you go up the stairs and to the left, there's a perfectly good bedroom there. The bed would probably be more comfortable than the floor at least." Glaring, Marik didn't get a chance to respond to that (just as well, since it might have come out along the lines of 'WHY HAVEN'T YOU SLEPT WITH ME?!'), before he heard his weaker half's comment slyly through their mind-link, _"Never thought that I'd see you submitting to Yami no Bakura..."_

_"WHAT?! I'm not submitting to him!"_

Light laughter followed that, Malik teasing lightly, _"Su-ure yami. Then why is he on top of you?"_

Before an increasingly exasperated Yami no Malik could answer, Malik and Ryuuji had disappeared back into the kitchen, and he was left alone with an amused-looking thief. Scowling darkly, the Egyptian flipped them over, now straddling Yami no Bakura's waist and said, "We are having sex now."

Snickering, Yami no Bakura commented so very innocently, "I know you're a virgin, but I would have thought that even you would know that sitting on top of someone doesn't count as sex..."

Dark indigo eyes flashing with annoyance, Yami no Malik snarled, "Fine. We are going to have sex now."

Enjoying himself far too much for his own good, the thief replied in the same tone as earlier, "What, here? Ryuuji's right you know, that bed upstairs was very comfortable until you dragged me out of it." Mock-pouting, he could barely keep himself from smirking as the other hissed, "Yes, here, because you weren't willing to have sex with me when we were in that 'comfortable bed'. Think of this as your punishment."

Dropping the innocent act, the thief answered sardonically, "Heh. So romantic, aren't you?" As a reply, he had a handful of his hair grabbed, then his head slammed against the ground hard enough that his vision blurred before Yami no Malik clarified, "Sex now, insults later."

Wincing slightly, the paler of the two agreed quickly, "Okay, okay!", and for a while there was silence, which was suddenly broken by a shout of "Why are you on top if you're the virgin?!"

At which point it got very noisy indeed.

**Epilogue:**

Malik stirred his cup of coffee and glanced over at Ryuuji, "Do you think that they've started having sex yet and stopped fighting?"

Ryuuji tilted his head to a side thoughtfully, listening to the noise of crashing furniture and shattering vases, punctuated by Yami no Bakura yelling, "That hurt you bastard!" and Yami no Malik retorting, "GOOD! It was supposed to!"

Shrugging, he answered, "Hard to tell with them." Malik nodded sagely to Ryuuji's words, and the two of them returned to their peaceful meal, completely ignoring the sounds of... something... from outside the kitchen.


End file.
